I think I’m only running on coffee and anxiety anymore. No sleep at all last night. It was a constant negative feedback loop of not comfortable, too hot, bathroom, dog whining (her bed was recently relocated because apparently we can’t be trusted until morning anymore) and the most obstructive thing to my sleep, I could NOT stop thinking.
My mind refused to settle down… again. This has been a more constant occurrence with all of the new worries, stresses and unknowns. I’ve been struggling with anxiety, insomnia, I don’t even know…(probably insomnia being fed by my always present levels of anxiety) for the last 3-ish years now with no improvements in sight. And this started in college when I was still waking up at 5 in the morning for a high intensity workout with a potential high intensity workout in the afternoon as well. Apparently my brain decided to override the common sense that this should help wear us down enough to get a good nights rest.
So I’ve run today with no sleep, couldn’t even settle down enough to squeeze in an afternoon nap. It’s just one of those days, and all I hope for is that I can crash tonight. I’d like to be able to make lunch with my mother and a friend tomorrow without feeling like a monster ready to snap. I will say this was one of the good days where even though I feel sluggish, my thoughts and actions feel delayed…(driving takes WAY more effort and concentration and typing right now is proving the ultimate task, I feel like I’m lucky if I spell my own name right) I haven’t felt snappy. Its one of those days where it’s dulled all of my senses, including most of my ability to form anger and frustration. It’s almost like I’m more laid back and in less of a rush because everything already feels slowed down.
On top of this, as I go into how delayed I feel I made it through the tutoring lesson with my one and only student I’ve been working with for my TEFL certification. He’s a 50+ gentleman learning to read and so that’s what we’ve been working on together. He was definitely in a better head-space today than he was last Wednesday. (We work Mondays and Wednesdays together until he starts to get tired). The lessons are pretty repetitive because his level of reading is so limited and we’re just getting started. At least I feel like today we used our time well ( it felt like it passed much faster than last week) and maybe we’ll be able to move to a few more words next time. Last week he played a guessing game with me the whole time. He wasn’t really trying to read the words, he was just throwing things out hoping they’d stick and getting frustrated when they were wrong. Today he seemed to try sounding out more at least up until he started getting tired. I can always tell when he gets tired because his retention take a nosedive and I know it’s time to call it quits for the day while we’re ahead.
Thankfully my talking is limited (blessings for today). I try to let him do most of the talking since he’s suppose to be reading and get him to practice his writing. He’s making baby-steps but as long as we’re making progress that’s what matters. I really commend him for coming in and trying to learn to read so he can get his GED at his age. A lot of people would be negative and say that can’t do it but I’m glad he has goals and dreams he’s working towards.
On another note, one of the less then stellar habits I seemed to pick up from college that I’m trying to break is how I talk myself out of starting books and watching something on Netflix/other streaming just because I want too. I know that may not seem like the kind of habit you’d want to break but I have books I really want to finish, like one I’ve borrowed from my best friend (especially since I want to be in Korea soon) and I want to be able to sit down and unwind with an episode of one of the multitudes of TV shows that I’ve been wanting to watch. I feel like maybe that’s part of my problem with de-stressing. Instead of doing things I’ve been wanting to do and chipping away at my entertainment list I put it off for no reason and instead just piddle my time on my phone or pacing, wandering, i.e. doing nothing! Which adds to my negativity because I feel like I’m wasting time because I’ve basically done nothing but scroll Facebook for an hour. So I’m trying to add these things to my list of doing it just because it makes me happy. I don’t have to binge watch, I’m not good at binging I have to get up and wander in between too much. But taking 30 minutes to watch a show I like is not as difficult as I’ve made it. I also have yarn I should probably try and knit something with. I could send my best friend either a belated birthday gift or have something to send her for Christmas.
I think that’s been waaaaaaay more than enough of a brain dump for today. I’m going to do my best to proofread but it just took me three tries to spell proofread correctly… my apologies if it’s all too painful.
“It’s not the load that breaks you down, it’s the way you carry it.” – Lou Holtz
Southern Meets South Korea 